That's right, boys and girls. It's me again, right where I belong, in the starting rotation. No more of this long relief crap. I'm sick of having to come in when Rich Hill has another tear-filled walk session or when Jason Marquis is giving out hits like his name is Timbaland. I always have to go mop up the mess, while those bastards get to go into the clubhouse and have a cold one. Yeah, thanks a lot guys, leaving me runners on second and third with no outs. Great teammates.
After watching this record on repeat, here's an idea: How about you start me and then maybe we won't have this nonsense? Yes, I may have just turned 38, but surely I can go five innings and only give up one or two runs. Hell, Rich Hill couldn't even go one or two batters!
So here should be the plan. Let me get five, maybe six in, then bring in that kid Gallagher. He was looking good the other day, seems to have some potential. Then you've got options, leading up to "Two Strikes" Wood, who should be fine this series since we're playing a losing team.
Anyway, fans, good to be back as a starter. I hope to help take two out of three today, because with the Diamondbacks coming in this weekend, we need all the momentum we can get.
A. Soriano lf .177
R. Theriot ss .322
D. Lee 1b .333
A. Ramirez 3b .276
K. Fukudome rf .331
G. Soto c .352
R. Cedeno 2b .383
F. Pie cf .231
C. Zambrano p .250
And then Dusty will throw some crap up there for the Reds.
Well, well, well, dudes. Look who's come crawling back.
"Dusty doesn't know about baseball," you all said. "Dusty doesn't understand OBP," you said. "Dusty should read 'Moneyball,'" you said.
So now you've got you high-falootin' OBP, and lightsabermetrics and all that bunk, and where does it leave you, dudes? A game and a half-back of the Cardinals, that's where. You all got to learn that a manager can't do anything about where players play or where they hit in the lineup. Just look at me. I changed towns and I'm still stuck with Jerry Hairston Jr and Corey Patterson at the top of the lineup.
But one thing you CAN change? Runs. You have to score runs, dudes. I told you that walks just clog up the bases, and I'll keep saying it. Sure, sometimes you want a guy to take a walk. But then other times you want a guy to hit a 3-run homer. Why would you tell a guy to take a walk when he can hit a 3-run homer? Dude. I tell ALL my guys to hit 3-run homers.
